Parenting secrets: the crazy stuff nobody tells you about babies

It’s hard to believe our daughter is six months old already! I absolutely adore her of course, but I wanted to share some of the hidden truths about babies that nobody let us in on, as though parenting was some kind of secretive magicians guild. Brace yourself!

1. Parents with older children don’t remember the early days. By “early days” I mean “more than a few weeks ago” and take “don’t remember” as meaning “absolutely no clue that it happened, most probably brain-wiped by aliens”. You’ll realise this as soon as you ask for advice about absolutely anything.
2. Babies find it harder to sleep when they’re tired. Yep, it’s a fundamental design flaw of our species that the obvious solution to tiredness — going to sleep! — eludes them. Instead they get worked up into a tizz, which is even more tiring. A vicious cycle ensues that can only end in tears (or nuclear meltdown).
3. They absolutely hate it when you wipe their nose. When our baby got her first cold naturally we didn’t want to leave her face covered in snot. How the police didn’t show up, having been alerted to the sound of attempted infanticide, I honestly can’t figure out. Luckily she’s now learned to tolerate a modicum of facial hygiene.
4. Babies are master manipulators. They’ll learn quickly how to get what they want, whether it’s through crying, smiling, or using those big, adorable eyes. But mostly crying. If you’ve never heard the term “coercive crying”, welcome to parenthood. We’re hard-wired to want that sound to just stop. Oh God, I’ll do anything you say, please just make it stop!
5. You’ll appreciate the simplest pleasures in life once you lose them. Oh no, this isn’t some naive complaint that we can’t just pop out to the cinema. I’m talking about the basic “luxuries”, like eating a microwave meal together. At. The. Same. Time… or using the toilet without having to negotiate temporary childcare.
6. Everything you learn quickly goes out of date. Just when you find a rhythm or learn a technique to soothe your baby on your shoulder, bam! Something that was previously acceptable becomes passé and we’re back to square one.
7. Babies fart. It shouldn’t come as a surprise, but at around 3–4 months, our baby started unleashing some real stinkers. We’re not talking about a “bit smelly” either. Think “sulphur burning throat” and you’ll get a better idea.
8. Teeth are a cruel joke. It’s just as well that baby teeth look cute, because when those sharp spears start tearing through your baby’s gums, it’s incredibly painful for them and no fun for anyone. There’s not much you can do except hold your baby and walk around because, apparently, their pain levels are connected to your position. Bum on a chair, teething despair; bum in the air that’s fair.
9. Babies don’t like to look at the person holding them. I admit to having taken this personally at first but I think it’s just practicalities. Too up close or something. It goes in phases of course, and now I often find myself coming second in a staring contest.

Well I hope that provides a few laughs if not insights. But if you’re reading this as a parent of a younger child, please don’t ask for more details — I’ll have already forgotten!

And yes, despite all of the above, our daughter brings so much joy and love into our lives. Every time she smiles and flashes those gorgeous eyes, my heart melts.

[Disclaimer: all babies are different; some of this content was regurgitated using AI tools]